on having nothing to do

[one of the little faces I miss]

A little over a month ago, I graduated from nursing school. After using “but, I’m in nursing school” as an excuse for the past 16 months, it’s taking some adjusting for me to realize that I am now free to spend the vast majority of my time doing whatever I want to do. So, I have learned pieces of Swahili, Portuguese, and Japanese, and vamped up my Spanish vocabulary. I've spent wonderful moments with friends, laughing, wondering about our futures, and learning to wait. I’ve spent countless hours on the road and the phone, rekindling friendships that have taken a back burner during nursing school. I’ve run, walked, and Wii-ed myself into a smaller pair of pants and then made several tons of Christmas Peppermint Bark for which I gladly pulled out the old pants again. I’ve experimented with lots of recipes and organized under my bed. I cleaned my bathroom, returned emails, and actually now have time to write. I've watched movies, played games with my family, and talked to my aunts on the phone. I've finally written letters by hand again and started reading history books for fun.

I’m not here to say that I haven’t enjoyed every minute of this so called freedom. I have. It’ been wonderful.

But, now that the dust of my freedom dance has settled, I am remembering why I was in nursing school to begin with. It was because there are people in the world who don’t have medical care. They don’t have food or water. I desperately want to go find the children who don’t have mothers. I want to give them the things that their hearts and stomachs need. And then, when their tummies are full, when they have been held and loved, when they have a bed and a blanket, if they ask why I am there, I will have the opportunity to tell them about a God who can fill up emptinesses that I can’t fill, who can heal hurts that I can’t heal, and who knows them better than I ever could. That is why I went to nursing school.

And now, I am sitting on a comfy couch in the US, wondering what to do next. There are so many options. I feel like an idiot for not wanting to get a job here in the states, for wanting to sell my car for a one-way plane ticket to Haiti or Africa and never come back (except for Thanksgiving!). My friends are getting jobs, husbands, and houses and I can almost believe that's what I want to do, too. But, then I remember why I went to nursing school. And that's when I decide that I should keep going to nursing school, get my masters, and then buy that one way ticket. Or maybe I could go to school from far, far away...there are so many options. I know exactly what to do, but the waiting, the unknown, and the dependance on God and others for guidance makes me feel somehow less than my friends who have managed to get their lives together, find a job, and create a plan, and carry it out already.

[the next day...]

this blog post sat in my drafts box yesterday as I tried to come up with an eloquent way to wrap up my frustrations and a plan for what to do with my life. While I can tell you that a plan is somewhat underway, the important thing is that my heart knows who holds it and that he is trustworthy, plan or no plan. Last night Rachel listened to an overview of what I have written above. When I told her how I couldn’t post it without “resolution” (lesson learned, new path started, plan created, ticket bought, etc), she said I didn’t need it. I just needed to do what David did in Psalm 103 and command my soul to get it’s act together and just praise the Lord for the fact that he’s got me, he’s going to take me somewhere, and I’ll be just fine. :)